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The first to apologize is the bravest. The first to forgive is the strongest. The first to open the vodka is the smartest.
Of course size matters. No one wants a small pizza
Always have a goal. Example: Turn as much alcohol into urine as you can.
Found out today that you`re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, NOT a jelly stain. Sorry, strange lady at the Waffle House. Just trying to help...
At work hitting the escape key...... Nothing is happening, im still here.
You`re not laughing out loud. You know it and I know it
Unless your kid’s fundraiser is selling booze, I want no part of it.
In a perfect world Taco Bell would deliver...
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I`m trying to unlock it more than two times, I`m driving off without you.
Hey whiny kids with iPhones: when I was your age, I played with a stick.
Admit it. When you go to the zoo, the first thing you look at is the Camel`s foot.
I want to meet the guy whose complaint led to cashiers asking me if it`s okay if they put the receipt in my bag.
I have heard of women that aren`t crazy, but I`ve also heard of Unicorns.
I should be ashamed of myself. Lets be clear, I`m not. But I should be.
I`ve been single for a while and I have to say, it`s going very well. Like... It`s working out. I think I`m the one.