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The problem with the rest of the world is that they are always 5 drinks behind.
The moment you stop giving a damn is the moment things get easier and better.
I`ve just borrowed a book on surgery from my local library. Apparently someone`s taken the appendix out.
Making a woman laugh is one of the keys to winning her heart, unless she’s laughing at your junk.
i hate not being able to correct the typo i just made in my previous statues update......DAMN IT! I JUST DID IT AGAIN!
I`m not saying women are smarter than men, but it`s kinda ironic that there`s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
I hate sharing popcorn with someone at the cinema and our fingers touch. Especially if I don`t know them, and they don`t know we`re sharing.
Every pizza is a personal pizza, if you try hard and believe in yourself.
That moment when you run into a spider web and suddenly become a karate master.
I spend the first half of work fantasizing about all the different places I could go for lunch.
Went looking for camouflage underwear today.....couldn`t find any
Wow, I just melted a piece of ice by staring at it. Took a little longer than I thought it would.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years. Just kidding. I`m married and not allowed to make decisions.
In alcohol`s defence, I`ve done some pretty dumb sh*t while completely sober too.
You can’t run from your problems forever. Eventually, you’ll have to take a car or a plane to really avoid them.