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Lying in bed, listening to the Doors. I really should oil the hinges...
I could really go for a beer and a million dollars.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Yes, bitches be trippin’ but maybe I pushed one.
You`ve really got to hand it to short people, because sometimes they often can`t reach it.
figured out today that my GPS has auto-correct....I put in "Beach house" and ended up in my ex`s driveway.
According to my nipples, there is a 99% chance it`s cold as hell right now!
The secret to a successful lemonade stand is vodka.
Hell, I finally figured out what was wrong with me ... I have been reading the wrong horoscope!!
It’s funny how “You’re so funny” turns into “You think everything’s a f*cking joke” in just 3 months…
It`s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side, my roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing.
Before I lose my phone, end up naked, drunk and/or possibly arrested, I would like to wish you all a Happy Independence Day.
I just ran a .003048K
I thought kegels were like Jewish bagels
Happy birthday you motor boatin SOB! Have a great day