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When people ask me if I`m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they`re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
If we learned anything from the Mayans, it’s that if you don’t finish something, it’s not the end of the world
I’ve thought long and hard, and have decided on my New Year’s resolution ... 1024×768.
Went into a five-star hotel to use the bathroom and now it`s a two-star hotel.
If kidnapping is a federal offense, then why is marriage legal?
Blockbuster sell sweets and ice cream to go with your DVD rental - who the hell wants to rent sweets and ice cream?
We all need that special person in our lives that makes it worth while to shave our pubes.
I`m not lazy, I just rest before I get tired
is wondering where noah kept woodpeckers on his ark
Relationship status: sleeping in my bed diagonally.
Why hasn`t anyone written a sequal song to "Jessie`s Girl" ... Where he discovers what an incredible high maintenance drag she is?
Its better to have loved and lost, then stay with that psyco for one more sec
The best thing about weed is it teaches you that it`s okay to take 35 minutes to make a sandwich
I should be ashamed of myself. Lets be clear, I`m not. But I should be.
Why do people freak out about dolphins getting caugh in tuna nets? What about the tuna?