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Don`t half a$$ anything. F*ck it up all the way.
I`d try Taco Bell`s breakfast but I don`t start drinking that early.
Remember the good old days when LOL meant "Laugh out loud" and not "I can`t think of a good reply"?
Some days there just isn`t enough give-a-damn.
The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything."
If video games have taught me anything, it`s that you`ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim.
I hope my last words aren’t “What does this thing do?”
Zoning out is your brain’s way of saying “You look bored. Let me take you to a better place.”
Just bought an exercise bike today because my treadmill works fine for laying my pants on, but it won`t accommodate hanging shirts on hangers.
My son said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7,,, and now I`m terrified to go into the bathroom.
Call me old fashioned but I prefer women with eyebrows made out of hair.
It`d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Reasons to date me: I laugh at my own jokes so you don`t have to.
At least a stalker is there for you.