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Apparently you have to go to the gym more than once to get in shape, what the hell.
some people just need a high-five......in the face......with a chair!
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
I´m not lazy, I´m just highly motivated not to do anything.
You know you`re old when you think "pokemon" is a gay rastafarian
If someone hates you for no apparent reason, give them one.
Nuclear physicists can be lots of fun. They`re often referred to as the half life of any party.
Sometimes you`ve got to ask yourself: `Why am I talking to myself?`
I worry about the future because I know my friends that are teachers.
There`s a word for people like you ... "leave"
You know what`s the best part about waking up early? Nothing, it sucks!
Today I caught myself smiling ... I was thinking of you ... Don´t flatter yourself though, it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Some people are good listeners. Mostly, though, they`re just nodding and thinking about bacon.
Men use love to get sex. Women use sex to get love. I use coupons to get pizza.