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First the Jerk cut me off in traffic, then stole my parking space, then his stupid car got paint all over my key!
I will never be to old to laugh when somone farts in a public bathroom peeing..
9 out of 10 doctors will agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
I’m just a man standing in front of a woman, who is standing in front of another man who is in front of another woman in line at Taco Bell.
The boss keeps talking about a company 401k ... I don`t think I can run that far
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Welcome to WebMD. Type quickly, you don`t have long.
I have this talent of getting tired without doing nothing.
My friend says to me, "What rhymes with orange?" I said, "No it doesn`t."
Relationship status: If I slam on my brakes really hard... The seatbelt hugs me back.
I can’t even imagine the self control required to work at a bubble wrap factory.
My dog doesn`t always bark like there`s an intruder in the house, but when he does he waits until I`m home alone and in the shower.
I am taking a shot for every “like” I get on this status. Then again, I’m taking shots whether you bastards like it or not.
I HATE it when I get invited to weird events on Facebook. ..For the FIFTH time, I do not want to go to your cat`s birthday party. Damn it! ..My dog is getting married
I just don`t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?