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I’d be more motivated to work out if the stationary bikes had a little basket to hold my snacks and beer.
Do you know what would really be fun? ... No really.. If you know, tell me.. I`m bored to death.
Everybody says waking up at 5 in the morning to exercise makes you feel great but I think lying in bed for another 2 hours feels better.
*breaking news music plays* Last thought of the night: Why is now everyone talkin` bout "twerkin`"? Man, that shyt been `round since the days of Hammer pants and spandex shorts!!!!
Her (from the living room): What time is it out there? Me (in the kitchen): Same time as it is in there.
Cool things about being a turtle: 1. Born with a free house attached to you 2. Super chill 3. Could potentially mutate into a ninja
Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside
I`d like to give a big shout-out to all my hard of hearing friends!
The ideal man doesn`t smoke, doesn`t drink, doesn`t do drugs, doesn`t swear, doesn`t get angry, doesn`t exist
I am not as think as you drunk I am
I wish Monday was a figment of my imagination.
I bet the guy at the urinal next to me is now rethinking his decision to wear flip flops today.
I went to the missing persons` beurau. No one was there.
I`ve never heard an alarm going off on a car worth stealing.
I’ve thought about it, and there still is no good reason for me to grow up.