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So I didn`t want to wake up this morning and go to work. It`s not that I don`t like my job, it`s just that I like being lazy more.
Sometimes I miss being in a relationship, but then I look at my wallet and I feel alright again.
I remember when vodka was just vodka flavored ...
I ignored your Facebook friend request because there isn`t a "Hell no!" button.
Here walk a mile in my shoes. They`re giving me huge blisters.
I`ve grown up a lot recently. For example, I used to drink beer all day and now I drink wine.
Somebody asked for my name today, and when I told them they said "That`s an unusual name. You don`t hear that everyday" to which I replied "Well actually... I do"
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they`d lose the alarm and just announce that there`s free food by the stairs.
Behind every beautiful woman, is a beautiful behind.
Time flies when you`re throwing watches.
Every night before bed I do this cute little thing where I stare at the Internet for 6.5 hours
I`ve found that nowadays most people don`t like holding hands in public. Especially if you don`t know them.
The problem with money is that too much of it belongs to people who aren’t me.
Of course China is dominating the olympics, they probably made all of the equipment.
If you see a guy with no arms and your first thought is “My God how does he drink his beer??”, You might be an alcoholic.