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Corduroy boxing gloves deliver the best punchlines.
No matter how prepared you think you are, a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Door bells should be made illegal in commercials. Pet owners know what Iām talking about.
Next time you over hear a stranger giving out their number. Text them details of what they are wearing. It`s so fun to watch them freak out!
I`m not lazy I just really enjoy doing nothing!!
A touching letter by a little girl to Santa on Christmas: Dear Santa, Please give clothes to all those poor ladies in daddy`s laptop
The only thing worse than sitting on a cold toilet seat is sitting on a warm one.
I just burned 1200 calories.I forgot the pizza in the oven.
If you could have one super power would you pick flying, invisibility, or falling asleep without questioning every decision you`ve ever made
I`ll be damned if after the 5 longest minutes of my life i am going to "allow to cool in microwave for 1 minute"!
i just fell off a 20ft ladder.. good thing I was on the first step.
A guide to hating people. Step 1: get to know them.
That awkward moment when kids see a toy they want on TV but the can`t get it because their parents must be 18 or older.
Really, 6 more inches of snow today. My front yard is getting more action than me.
I`m trying to lose weight by eating carrots and bran muffins. It`s a fiber-optics diet.