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Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight. - The Swiss Army
No matter how old you are ... swingsets are cool.
This is the earliest I have ever been late.
I`m not sure what my credit score is but I`m pretty sure I`m losing.
Moms birthday is next week. I can’t find a card that says “I wish you loved me more than vodka.”
So I was thinking... since the kids get the Easter bunny, why shouldn`t I expect a visit from a Playboy bunny today?
I`d be super embarrassed if people saw my google history but only because its all words I should really know how to spell by now
Why do people ask "What were you thinking?" Obviouly, I thought I was going to get away with it!
If the universe didn`t want me to eat four pop-tarts for breakfast I wouldn`t have four slots on my toaster...
I did a push-up today. Well, actually I fell down, but had to use my arms to get back up, so close enough. Now I need a beer.
A bachelor party seems more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
If the shoe fits, buy it.
Beer: The WD40 for conversations.
I usually spend my Mondays texting apologies but I`ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Laughter is the best medicine, but if you are laughing for no reason, you might need medicine.