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finally got my certification in the mail, I`m officially insane.
I wouldn`t say I`m an alcoholic. I`d slur it.
There are no bad pictures; that’s just how your face looks sometimes.
I spend 95% of the time out of bed wishing I was back in bed
The best thing about telepathy is... I know, right!?
You have got to have worse hand-eye coordination than a lama on crack
Mothers never really understand the irony of calling their children "come here you son of a bitch"
If I have ten pieces of bacon and you take five pieces, what do you have? Thats right., A black eye and a broken hand!
When I`m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they`re safe
This Halloween, the only Candy I`m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can hear them misspelling words?
If my body is EVER found dead on a designated jogging trail.. Just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.. :|
I saw a cool bumper sticker on a back of a SUV . . . “Do you follow Jesus this close?”
How much Hershey`s Chocolate Syrup can I add before it`s really not a SlimFast shake anymore?
I bought the world`s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it`s terrible.