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The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider doing it.
The closest I got to a 4.0 at university… was my blood alcohol level!
You can’t call them “love handles” if nobody loves you
I tend to say “I dont know” when I’m too lazy to think.
does anyone know if smurfs are gluten free
Tattoos are an expensive and a painful way to guarantee that the police can make a positive identification
My ex warned me that I would never find a girl like her again....THANK GOD!
I told my family that I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle…So, they got up, unplugged my computer, and threw out my wine.
Anyone who knows me obviously knows a shit ton about awesomeness.
Shouldn’t the Air and Space museum be empty?
When people see ghosts, why aren`t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
I don`t get women. Also, I don`t understand them.
I wondered how smokers could afford them, until I realized they don`t have to save for retirement..
We all just sat there and watched as Pepe Le Pew tried to rape that cat. Shame on us.
There`s no use worrying about things you can`t control. And the good news is, that`s pretty much everything.