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Invite me to your wedding . Invite me to go have fun , but please stop inviting me to your farm .
My retirement plan is just $1,000 & a plane ticket to wherever these kids are living on 15 cents a day.
You can’t believe everything you hear, but you can repeat it.
My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?" I said: "Of course I would. I`d miss you, but I`d still love you."
It`s hard to diet when your favorite exercise is chewing...
I dare you to spit on this status.
Using a public restroom always reminds me how much better I am at flushing a toilet than a lot of other people.
Facebook: Wasting peoples lives since 2004
If you think someone is staring at you: 1. Yawn 2. If they yawn, they were staring.
Orion`s Belt is a huge waist of space.
The guy who invented the Time Machine has just died.... RIP DAVE JONES 2187-2014
The best nicknames are the ones people don’t know they have
My family is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you`re gonna get but you can be sure there are gonna be some nuts in there somewhere.
We are living in a generation where Vampires are sparkly,Werevolves are gay and Witches wear leather pants.
Just saw a guy checking out my wife. Good luck buddy. I’m married to her and I don’t even have a chance.