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Sometimes my neighbors love my music so much that they invite the police to listen.
Woke up with morning wood but she wouldn`t!
Lil Wayne is 10% African-American and 90% tattoo.
People who think I’m not a religious person should see me when the airplane starts to shake.
Haters gonna hate, your honor
So she asked me "Do these pants make my butt look big?" And I said, "Not at all dear .. its the fat that does that." So now I´m single again.
I always walk through my office with a stern look on my face and a toilet plunger to avoid conversations.
Wife: Hi honey, did you miss me? Husband: With every bullet so far...
I fell asleep at the wheel smh, time to turn Mario Kart off and go to bed.
I`ve said it before and I`ll say it again: it before
Sometimes I add things to my to-do list that I’ve already done just so I can immediately cross them off.
Even if women came with an instructions manual men still wouldn`t read it.
I hate brushing my teeth at night because that signifies that you cant have anymore food and im just never ready for that kind of commitment
I tried to give a cute waitress my phone number by writing it on the credit card receipt but accidentally tipped her 9 billion dollars.
I’m the type of person who looks at the menu for five minutes but ends up ordering the same exact thing every time.