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My therapist told me today that I need to stop talking to inanimate objects, but I mean he`s just a lamp so what does he really know anyway
Most people decide to have scramble eggs immediately after thinking: "I`ll just flip this omelette"
Its not my fault if I blame everyone for my mistakes...right?
Lazy fact #128540162, You were too lazy to read that number.
Four words that I never want to hear: we`re out of beer
Talking to you makes me invent new swear words.
Are you always this stupid? or are you just making special effort today...
Netflix is a lot like facebook in the way I just waste time scrolling and scoffing at things.
I thought she would duck officer- me checking the psychic`s ability
I don’t trust public opinion polls because they don’t take into consideration the fact that the public is made up of mostly idiots.
I wish electronics would scream a little bit when you unplugged them.
I got a new high score today ... Sadly, it was on my bathroom scale
I speak my mind because it hurts to bite my tongue.
Good thing I`m judged on my actions and not my thoughts.
I wake up everyday planning to be productive. Then a voice in my head says, " hahaa, good one!" Then we laugh and laugh and take a nap.