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If you just got invited to do something on New Year`s Eve, it means someone else cancelled.
I asked my girlfriend if she was ok with me buying her a ring. She said "nothing would make me happier!" So I got her nothing.
It`s funny to watch all these people Bumping Up their own posts.
Married sext: I`m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times
I can´t wait for summer. One of my highlights of summer is talking into the fan to hear my robot voice.
I look forward to paying off all my debt so I can get back to just being broke.
Why are Doctors so afraid of apples?
Sneezing is like using sonar to find polite people.
If your single and you know it…Pet your cat!
This is a lousy dating site.
Women want a lot of things from one man. Conversely, men want one thing from a lot of women.
I wish I was important enough for my nudes to get leaked.
I never use the phrase, "Your guess is as good as mine" because, well... it`s not.
Word of the day is bishop: My aunt fell down the stairs and I had to pick the bishop.
I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean and people think I’m joking.