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I put mirrors on the ceiling because I like to see how I look when I`m eating pizza alone.
My neck, My back, My Netflix and my snacks...
It’s impressive how quickly I can go from full to starving.
45 minutes on the treadmill is no big deal if you don`t turn it on
If history repeats itself, I´m totally getting a dinosaur.
I just found out that a bucket of KFC when you`re finished with it, also doubles as a porta-potty...
In the 1960s, if you said "All my music is in the cloud" it was due to mushrooms; not Apple.
bored out of my mind in class i began staring into space... space happened to be right in front of me at the time...
The human race is the only one that lets its idiots live a full life...
Do these people in movies who wander off into the woods alone at night not watch movies?
"I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? `cause I smell carrots..." ~ Snowmen.
Sometimes I wish my dog could talk…then I remember all the things he has seen me do when I’m alone.
Next time you`re down in the dumps...pick me up a spare tire!
My plans for GTA 5: Beat the crap outta people, Steal a cops gun, Jack a convertible, Rob a bank, Jump off a building, Go to GameStop, Buy GTA 5
Me: I only smoke weed because of Cancer. Mom: You don`t have Cancer! Me: So it`s working...