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I just burned 1200 calories ... I forgot the pizza in the oven again.
Sometimes I wonder how people who don`t have kids get their TV remotes from the other side of the room.
I wonder what my dog has named me?
Is it wrong to swallow my multi-vitamin with a beer?
My little brother just told me I looked stoned as hell. Which is a little weird, considering I don`t have a little brother...
My nickname is Gilette because I`m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
Shoutout to this ATM fee for making me buy my own money.
I know it’s “cool” to make fun of celebrities, but the Bieber jokes need to stop. That’s somebody’s daughter.
If cats could talk, they`d probably always be correcting your grammar.
My friend told me he`s going to have a sex change. Apparently, he just wants to eat, drink, and be Mary.
Some mornings it`s best to just fill the sink with coffee, dunk your head in it, and suck.
I can eat a piece of pie without a plate or a fork what else should I write on this dating site profile?
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I`m so confused
I like to finish other people’s sentences because my version is better.
Remember, life isn`t about accumulating stuff. It`s about making people insanely jealous of your stuff.