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The pill is the second best thing women can put in their mouths to prevent pregnancy.
Super Bowl Sunday, the one day of the year that DVR`s are used to watch commercials, instead of skip them!
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I’d be like “Sit your translucent ass down, I have a lot of questions!”
Roses are red, Facebook is blue, no mutual friends, who the F#%K are you?
So you constantly feel sorry for yourself and feel the need to tell everyone all about it. I can’t imagine why he left you.
There’s been over 30 billion messages posted on Facebook, and yet most of us have never even talked to our neighbors.
Ran out of toilet paper, so I had to use leaves. Just kidding, but my son learned a big lesson about leaving his clothes on the bathroom floor.
Mom: You haven`t moved since I left 5 hours ago? Me: Excuse me, where do you think these chips came from!!???
People I hate are not allowed to be funny.
Not to brag, but I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.
Was just thinking …. What would the world be like if McDonalds delivered?
If you need me I`ll always be stuck behind the person who doesn`t know how to use the CVS self-checkout aisle.
Every snack you make, every meal you bake, every bite you take, I`ll be watching you. - Dog
Posting a status update before responding to someone`s text is the easiest way to let them know how unimportant they are.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist. While you guys were arguing about the glass of water. I drank it. – The Opportunist