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The loudest possible way to open a bag of chips is to try and do it quietly.
the kids next door challenged me to a water fight. I`m just updating my status while the kettle boils
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial flavors and furniture polish is made from real lemons.
Sometimes it takes me 8 hours to get nothing done.
"I got this." Translated: I most certainly do not have this, but prepare to be thoroughly entertained.
I`m working out my budget and, provided I don`t live past Tuesday, I can retire relatively comfortably!!!
The truth is, I find it very stressful that Smokey thinks that I`m the only one that can prevent forest fires. I don`t feel trained for this, and I certainly didn`t sign up for the position.
If cockroaches can survive atomic bombs and chemical warfare, what the f*ck is in a can of Raid?
I`m starting to think that Dr. Dre isn`t a real doctor after all...
I saw Tom Hanks and asked for his autograph. He abbreviated it, and it just said "Thanks"
Random Fact of the Day: Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
When Miley is naked & licks a hammer it’s “art” & “music” ... but when I do it, I`m “wasted” & “have to leave Home Depot"
I may not be the smartest guy in the world, or the richest guy in the world, or the best looking guy in the world, but.... Oh, hell. Now I`m depressed.
Life is not like a box of chocolates. It`s more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today might burn your a$$ tomorrow.