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I can`t wait for the day when my kids are old enough that I can drink with them and not because of them.
You can learn a lot about a girl by ignoring her text messages.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now.
I`ve disappointed a lot of people in my life, you`re not special.
Today would be a great day to leave a note on a random car that says "I know what you did".
It`s annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there`s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
I have one question about Insanity, "Are we there yet"?
Apparently Home Depot`s slogan of "You can do it; We can help" doesn`t apply to masturbation.
That moment when you put your pants on, take a few steps, and feel something crawling down your leg! You grab it on the outside so it doesn`t crawl any further....and then you sigh in relief and thank God the dryer sheet doesn`t bite!
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn`t notice... until they needed to wink at somebody.
Some guy waved to me and then walked up and said, “Sorry, I thought you were someone else.” .... I said, “I am.”
Whenever a stranger asks our baby’s name, I always say he hasn’t told us yet.
I`m broker than the Tooth Fairy in a house full of Meth addicts.
Research shows that 100% of the time when someone says “oh no she didn’t!” she most definitely did.