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Dear Mother-in-Law, Do not tell me how to handle my child, I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement.
If you ever Google "Grandfather Clock", be careful how you spell that sh!t.
In terms of procrastination, I had a very productive day.
I should probably be in a relationship just for the supervision.
Facebook prank #23 Go in everynight and change your birthday to the next day...then see how long it takes for people to catch on....
I get a little nervous before saying Worcestershire sauce.
The first snow of spring is always the most beautiful
Funerals are so depressing, when I die I want to be fed to a shark or something cool.
The phrase "Don`t take this the wrong way." has a zero percent success rate.
When I die, I am going to haunt the f*ck out of you people.
My daughter asked me why I carry a gun inside the house. I told her I was scared of the CIA. She laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.
We`re like hot chocolate and marshmallows. You`re hot, and I wanna be on top of you.
I was wondering why some couples don`t go to the gym together but I guess some relationships just don`t work out...
If you think your girlfriend has a great sense if humor, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes.
Dear karma, I have a list of people you missed.