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You all take typos way too serious, you gays.
The first rule of selfie club should be to clean your room.
Can`t afford P90X or INSANITY workout videos? Go find a wasp nest and slap the sh!t out of it. Never knew I could shadow box,bicycle kick,and twirl while floating.
Perhaps Voldemort’s face is flat because he ran into the wrong wall at the train station.
Sorry I`m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
So, if I lie to the government, it’s a felony. But if they lie to me its politics?
Group Therapy: listening to ALL your voices.
"Any way you can speed this up, officer? I`m obviously in a hurry."
This "doing nothing" is hard work, how am I supposed to know when I`m done?
Ermegerd! I WON EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH!!!!! Again! I love being self employed..
Half of life is screwing up…the other half is dealing with it.
Instead of going to Starbucks, I make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.
So Apple is gonna buy Beats by Dr. Dre... I guess "an apple a day keeps the doctor away" doesn`t apply to technology?
Trying to remain humble but I’m the most famous person in my living room right now.
I`m tired of making the same mistakes over and over again. Does anyone have any new mistakes I can borrow?