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I don`t like surprises so, I never open my Electric Bill or my Bank Statement.
I always keep a google search for "how to find anyone, anywhere, and kill them" open on my phone in case anyone steals it.
Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife’s can shorten it.
I`ve been starting my diet tomorrow for the last 20 years.
I bet my road rage would be taken more seriously if I spoke German
"Man, you know your bible verses forwards and backwards" - said no one ever
Lottery gives you a 1 in 200M chance of skipping work tomorrow...alcohol is 1 in 5. You play your game...I`ll play mine
It’s embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasn’t sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Can`t reach it. Don`t need it.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you`re the crazy one.
Did anyone else ever wonder why the Easter Bunny gave away chocolate eggs? Last I checked, bunnies don’t lay eggs. What kind of sick new species is this?
Does Facebook have a “You’re not smart enough to be talking about politics” button?
I was in NYC and a black guy asked me if the Yankees won to which I replied, "Yeah, man, you`re free."
Just stopped by my old high school and updated my phone number on all the bathroom stalls.
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, but the more important question is, how did they get in there in the first place?