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I miss the days when minding your own business was a thing.
I noticed you stopped taking your meds. Can I have them?
Hi, it’s me. I can’t get to the phone right now, even though it’s right here in my hand.
My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused food, drinks. He spat and swore at anyone who came near him and started throwing things everywhere. After that we NEVER played monopoly again.
If Monday had a face... I`d punch it.
There`s no law against twerking...but apparently it`s still frowned upon during jury duty.
Don`t ever, ever EVER!!! Touch a crazy man`s food!!! I will STAB YOU WITH A SPOON!
If your camel toe looks like a elephants hoof, you might want to rethink the yoga pants.
“Let’s hang out sometime.” - liars
Pinatas are a great way to teach children that if you repeatedly beat something with a stick, eventually you`ll get what you want.
You’re not yourself today. I noticed the improvement immediately.
Thanks to the presence of fools, wise people stand out.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
~WARNING~ I will more than likely offend you at some point in time
Fitness? More like, fitness whole pizza in my mouth.