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It`s what`s on the inside that counts... *Except chocolate covered raisins.
I was just chatting with my cat about how being lonely can make a person crazy.
When I was growing up the TV was my nanny.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said bet you can`t hit me with a quarter!
Dear sneeze, If you`re gonna happen, happen. Don`t put a stupid look on my face and leave
Blacking out when you’re drunk is god’s way of telling you that it’s none of your business what you do when you’re drunk.
If you don`t have anything nice to say, put it all on social networks
How does anything EVER get done at the bubble wrap factory??
If only my goals were to be poor, lazy and out of shape.
If you need Facebook to remind you it`s your wife`s birthday, I hope you own a comfortable couch.
Walmart does not have a dildo section. But it`s always fun to ask their employees if they do.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Ugh, I forgot to go to the gym today. That`s 9 years in a row now...
When in doubt, read Facebook Statuses, you`ll see you`re not the only crazy one around
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT. - My dog, whenever I`m eating.