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I`ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she`s a woodpecker.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to get in shape and you answer "revenge" it will raise a couple eyebrows.
His idea of cleanliness is sweeping the room with a glance.
I just used the self checkout in Walmart without needing assistance and they made me district manager.
My life may be a mess but at least I didn`t make a harlem shake video.
As a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".
I`m so, so sorry I started the whole Facebook Is Going To Start Charging thing. I didn`t think it would go THIS far..... sorry
We`ve spent years planning and preparing for the zombie apocalypse all for nothing......clowns....its gonna be clowns that finish us off.
I love facebook because it helps me remember what I did the night before when I blacked out.
We’ll be friends until we’re old and senile. Then we’ll be new friends all over again.
Here`s a crazy trick to avoid looking fat in pictures: Lose weight.
I thought there was a spider on the rug but it was just yarn.....it`s dead yarn now, though.
Marrying your high school sweetheart is like taking the banker`s first offer on Deal or No Deal.
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn`t met me yet