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All the women moaning about finding a husband obviously never had one.
Trying to learn Mandarin Chinese but the amount of money I`m spending on fortune cookies is getting ridiculous.
I`m not lazy, I`m in energy saving mode.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I`m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper quietly...."You can see me???"
The number one key to a successful marriage is alcoholism.
People should seriously stop expecting normal from me...We all know it`s never gonna happen
If I don’t talk to myself, who will?
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I`m sure you already know, have a great time!
he who laughs last thinks slow
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said "I will text you when I get home". I think she`s homeless.
I`m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that`s how weather works.
Over half the contacts in my phone are named “Do Not Answer”
You`re really cute, can I suck the life out of you? - women
Since joining Facebook, about 8 aggressive lampposts have walked up to me in the street and punched me in the face.
Doing donuts in the parking lot sounds fun. Eating donuts in the parking lot sounds better.