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Since you were smiling when you tazed me, I`m guessing we still have a chance.
My wife said she expects the house to be clean by the time she walks in the door so I changed all of the locks.
Sadly, the opposite sex is ignoring me like a check engine light.
Someone’s therapist knows all about you.
When googling something, I always use Caps Lock so that the people from Google know it`s urgent.
Ohh sh!t, my b!tch button is stuck.
"I`d hit that!" -Helpful blackjack dealer
I`m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Friends don’t let friends twerk.
Just when I think I`m over my insomnia the car behind me honks.
If your having a bad day, remember that somewhere on this big planet, someone just lost their straw in a capri sun!!
If I stop my car so you can walk across the street, I better see some hustle out of you. Knees to Chest, bitch, KNEES TO CHEST!!
I surveyed 100 women on what shampoo they prefer while showering 95% said How the hell did you get in here!!!
There`s actually a website designed to simulate what it`s like to be the sole survivor of a nuclear holocaust, it`s called MySpace.
My entire working knowledge of automotive repair is derived from the song "The Wheels on the Bus"