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You look happy. Let me see what I can do about that. - Life.
That awkward moment when there`s not a single awkward moment
Someone figured out my password. Now I have to rename my dog.
If our son ever decides he wants to play sports, I`ll sign up to be his coach. It`s important that he knows that I`ll swear at other kids too.
Sometimes I wonder how people who don`t have kids get their TV remotes from the other side of the room.
My girlfriend ended up with a broken nose today because she wouldn`t listen to me... I said,"You`re about to walk into a lamppost."
Wednesday, you’d be a lot cooler if you were Friday night.
I`m really good at making poor decisions. You`re my favorite so far.
I`m so ghetto.... I had lights and water bill in my name before the age of 3..
Things that keep me awake # 408...How do Amish girls know if it’s a romantic candlelit dinner or just regular dinner?
I don’t care if we don’t talk, your existence still pisses me off.
Your giving me the silent treatment??? FKN FINALLY!!
i forgot how to put a status ... can anyone help me ?
Sobriety is an illusion created by alcohol deficiency.
The trouble with jogging is, that by the time you realize you`re not in shape, it`s too far to walk back.