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The women at this gym act like nobody’s ever tried taking their measurements before.
Nothing is really lost until your mom can’t find it.
If I lean to the left. I am not trying to whisper in your ear. I`m married. I`m gonna fart.
I have an oven with a "stop time" button. It´s probably meant to be "stop timer" but I don´t touch it, just in case.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog "NO!" and then more quietly, "We talked about this!"
It’s interesting how the ads on Youtube never have trouble buffering
"Of course you`re the prettiest girl here, you just need to talk louder" - alcohol
Whenever I give money to the homeless, I get yelled at that "they are just gonna buy booze with it". All I can think is ... Oh like I wasn`t ..
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can`t do is pick up it`s own poop. You`re just a poop collector.
Dating a single mother.... It`s like continuing from somebody else`s saved game.
The problem with the girl of my dreams is that she’s never around when I’m awake.
You`re telling me, a chicken fried this rice
Be good ... or I will text Santa
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
A sure cure for sea-sickness is to sit under a tree.