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I`m gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "The Illuminaughty"
The best thing about not being with you, is not being with you.
Welcome to journalism, where everything is made up, and the sources don`t matter.
My coworker`s inspire me to drink on the job.
Summer is real cool until every f*ckin type of insect comes out of the 8th circle of hell.
I just don`t have enough middle fingers for today.
If you can`t remember my name, just say `donuts`.... I`ll turn around and look.
okay it was me..... I did it ..... I let the dogs out
If it wasn`t for pizza delivery, you wouldn`t see me shoveling a walkway.
Played hide and seek today. I was winning until the cops let the K9 off of the leash.
For just once in my life I want my phone to ring and for someone on the other end to ask if I`m on a `secure line`
To avoid conversations at work, always walk with purpose and a toilet plunger.
Dear human, you get mad when i wake you up and also get mad when i dont. Sincerely confused, Alarm Clock.
Let It Snow is my favorite song about people who don`t understand how weather works.
Whoever named anteaters, solid effort right there.