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I’d be more motivated to work out if the stationary bikes had a little basket to hold my snacks and beer.
I always stop to help women broke down. I don`t know sh!t about cars, but I do know how a good porno starts off!
From now on when skinny girls say they`re fat I`m just gonna be like, "Yup" & walk away.
A yawn is a silent scream for coffee!
Okay so the pregnant woman in the library didn`t get my `overdue` joke.
I don`t understand why Walmart has a problem with me bringing my dog in the store. He`s better behaved, smells better, and less likely to take a crap on the floor than 95% of the people here
H&R Block said I won`t get nearly as much back in taxes this year because apparently the neighbors want to claim their own children.
If A-B-C-D didn’t drag out their part of the Alphabet song, LMNOP wouldn’t have to be so rushed.
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
Everyone`s self worth should only be measured by how useful they would be in the zombie apocalypse.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Have you ever noticed that half way through the ColonialPenn insurance commercial, Alex Trebek tries to pull a Jedi-Mind-Trick on us.... "This is the insurance you are looking for." (I didn`t get enough sleep last night.)
Microsoft Excel has got to be the worlds worst video game.
I was in my kitchen cleaning when suddenly I realized OMG! ... I`m late for Facebook!!
I`m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I`ve been to in the last week that`s had "insufficient funds".