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Never do I feel as lazy and rude as when someone else in the room is vacuuming.
I`m not as smart as I used to be but then again you can`t stay a teenager all of your life.
Sitting on my hand until it gets numb so it feels like someone else is folding my laundry.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
I`m getting so many spam emails. “Grow Your Hair Back”…”Lose weight now” …”Enlarge your manhood”… Wait… these are from my wife.
I am finally old enough to realize my father was right, but now my kids think I am wrong.
I’ve realized I get ridiculously nervous driving behind semi’s or trucks carrying sh!t that could fall out and impale me all because of final destination 2.
Whoever invented the 5 day work week and 2 day weekend can suck my a**!
I wish I was a jedi, but mostly just so I didn`t have to bend over to pick up dog poop.
Apparently it`s ok to leash your dog to a bike rack, but it`s illegal to leash your kid to one. Parenting is hard...
Made the decision that I`m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
I always get this dream where I`m driving in reverse ...Then I wake up and see that I`m driving normally.
If your having a bad day, remember that somewhere on this big planet, someone just lost their straw in a capri sun!!
Is a bath relaxing for Michael Phelps, or does he just feel like he is at work?
I once met a guy who was addicted to huffing brake fluid. He said he could stop any time.