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I used to be able to stay out much later than this. I find I just can’t these days. My phone battery just doesn’t have the stamina any more.
"You`re right I`m sorry. You`re right I`m sorry. You`re right I`m sorry. You`re right I`m sorry" - me practicing for a successful relationship.
first show me the benefits and then I`ll decide if we can be friends.
Being a fat guy at McDonald`s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business
I hate people that take drugs, specially U.S. Customs and the D.E.A.
If I`ve learned anything from Facebook, it`s that you shouldn`t be learning on Facebook.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Shout out to sidewalks. Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
In hell you`re always trying to spread butter that`s too cold.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked ... But, so does Tequila
Some people`s lives are like open books... Mine is like a trashcan without a lid.
The hardest part of parenting is standing idly by while your children build a mediocre couch fort.
Whenever I want a klondike bar I just pay for it.
A quiet man, is a thinking man. A quiet woman, is usually mad.