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If your Facebook post requires me to hit “continue…” get a diary.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
My friend works at the morgue and apparently tonight is open mike night.
I must say I enjoy it more when a girl asks me out. To me, there`s nothing more attractive than that high level of confidence, initiative, and poor judgment.
"It`s cold!", "Happy birthday!", "I`m so blessed", "Political rant!"... There, now you don`t have to go to Facebook today. You`re welcome.
If someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Marriage tip: Don`t
Why do people ask "What the hell were you thinking?" Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not get caught.
I didn`t get drunk enough last night, I can still remember working.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
If you`re behind someone at the ATM late at night, let them know you`re not a threat by giving them a gentle kiss on their neck.
I`m more of a "the glass is half shattered into a million tiny pieces" person.
If it`s the thought that counts ... Then I should probably be in jail
I just want to be rich enough to tell my boss, "you`re not the boss of me"!
Who needs Google when you’ve got a wife who knows it all?