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Whoever invented marriage was creepy as hell. Like, hey you, I love you so much, I`m gonna get the government involved so you can`t leave.
It doesn`t matter how old you are, If you hear the ice cream truck jingle you jump out the window for that sh!t.
Ways to tell a woman is mad at you: 1. She is silent. 2. She is yelling. 3. She acts different. 4. She acts the same. 5. She kills you.
Just remember, every day is a gift from God. Well except for Monday.. Satan slips that one in. He’s a sneaky bastard.
I`m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
I`ll bet Amish people look forward to Thanksgiving since it`s the only time their clothes look festive.
Relationship Status: eating
Last night I meant to tell my kids "Good night, I love you", but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school on Thursday because this is bulls**t."
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
The only charities I`ve donated money too recently are covered in glitter and dance to bad music.
The only exercise I`ve done this month is running out of money
I bet you can`t keep the funny and not funny the same number.
A procrastinator’s work is never done.
I`ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can`t find his nuggets.
I wish life had a “rewind-the-weekend” button.