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She asked me for time and distance. I guess she wants to calculate velocity.
I`d like to give a special thanks to my feet for supporting me and to my arms for being by my side at all times.
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn`t even know I was driving.
My favorite thing about marriage is sharing a house with the person most likely to murder me.
Calling someone "stupid" is mean. Unless they actually are. Then it`s just a diagnosis.
You had me at "I hate that b!tch too".
“I don’t know why people dislike jury duty. I think being able to play god with others’ lives sounds fun!” – How I got out of jury duty
Come on Facebook friends. Be honest with me. Does my butt make my pants look fat?
I asked my wife what women really want, she said attentive lovers. Or maybe she said "a tent of lovers." I wasn`t really listening.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as "man surprised his credit card was declined"
Don’t be scared of making changes. Be scared of living the same shitty life because you didn’t change. And spiders. Be scared of them too.
A murderer was about to be put to death in the electric chair. "Do you have any last requests?" asked the chaplain. "One," he replied. "Will you hold my hand?"
If you can`t handle me at my worst, then that sucks because that`s all there is to me.
Well another funny thing about this status is, by the time your done reading this, you realize it talks about absolutely nothing and you just wasted your time. Welcome to Facebook.
My dad use to take me to the circus to see the clowns, freakshows and the bearded lady. Now... I can see them anytime shopping at Walmart.