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Just for fun, next time you see a snooty, rich woman at the grocery store, ask her if she works there.
Just told the guy at the second drive-thru window that the guy at the first drive-thru window wants to fight him.
I poured some shampoo over my speakers today and they blew up... So much for EXTRA VOLUME.
I like to log into facebook and leave a status just to show I`m here. Or am I?
Life is like a box of chocolates and you`re on a diet so you can`t even enjoy it.
My phone just filmed a 6 hour documentary about life inside my pocket
I`m so bitchy right now ... I won`t even talk to myself!!
For once in my life, I’d like to get up in the morning and be as excited about it as my p@nis is.
Don`t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like "always punch holes in the box so they can breathe."
The only clubs I’m into are sandwiches.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying "get a load of this guy" every time someone walked in
It’s amazing how easily “I have 10 minutes to waste before I need to leave” accidentally turns into “oh crap I’m running late.”
The early bird needs a punch in the throat.
ATM`s need to have breathalyzers.
I thought there was a spider on the rug but it was just yarn.....it`s dead yarn now, though.