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Ever work out and think "wow I really needed that"? That`s how I feel about the chocolate chip cookie I just ate.
I put "extremely organized" on my resume and I don`t even remember what folder I saved it in..
¦It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.
It´s Friday-O-Clock!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Note to self: Next time, don`t use "continue" as the Safe Word.
I hate when I`m on Facebook and I`m rudly interrupted by a jogger bouncing off my windshield
Once again I`ve woken up without super powers. Sigh
My doctor told me to start killing people. Well it wasn`t those exact words. He said I needed to reduce the stress in my life.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
I’ve never pretended to be anything I’m not…except for sober. I’ve pretended to be sober a few times.
Why do they call a status a status if it already happened? I mean, shouldnt it be called History?
If opportunity doesn`t knock, build a door.
Drinking doesn’t make me post better Facebook status updates; it just makes me not care what you think of them…
I`ve seen bride magazines but have yet to see "Eager Groom" magazines.
I used to be poor. Then I bought a thesaurus, and now I`m impecunious.