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The best thing about not being with you, is not being with you.
Watching someone else play a video game is like watching someone who won`t let you join in while they`re masturbating.
When I get home the first thing I`m going to do is rip my wife`s panties off. Because they`re too small and the elastic is killing me.
so, on a scale of one is to seven, which letter of the alphebet is your favourite colour?
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they`re looking for ideas.
That awkward moment when you`re telling the truth, but start laughing like crazy and everyone thinks you`re lying.
My dentist said I grind at night. I was like, ok stalker.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
When everything is coming your way, you`re probable in the wrong lane.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Facebook is like a fridge full of old food you know what is in your fridge but still you go and check if it changed.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Lets just skip the fight and go right to the make-up sex.
A 5 year old asked me what marriage is like. So I gave him a chocolate bar and told him not to eat it.
I don`t drink to feel better about myself. I drink to feel better about being with you