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Contrary to popular belief, it`s actually the fat that makes you look fat. It was never the dress
Love is like hearing your favorite song for the first time. Then listening to it over and over again till you hate that song.
9 out of 10 doctors will agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
I should be cleaning and disinfecting the toilet bowl today cause I have a feeling I`ll be hunched over hugging it later tonight.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that`s over with.
I`m at my neighbor`s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Studies confirm that smoking withdrawal (for me) can be fatal (for you).
Is there a 5-second Rule for when you drop babies? ...Asking for a friend. JK people!!! LOL ;)
I hear lots of doctors are prescribing medical marijuana for arthritis. Given that arthritis is "inflammation of the joints", it`s fighting fire with fire!
"The secret is that it`s all in the wrist!" -My grandfather talking about golf or handjobs or something
I`m beginning to think they invented the wireless mouse just so there was one less thing to use to hang yourself with at work.
Y`all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Cats don`t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can`t put them in the washing machine.
The problem with sex in the movies is the popcorn usually spills.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.