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If you ever Google "Grandfather Clock", be careful how you spell that sh!t.
My retirement plan is just $1,000 & a plane ticket to wherever these kids are living on 15 cents a day.
I want someone to look at me the way I look at chocolate cake.
My husband told me that in some cultures women do all the housework, so I told him in some cultures blow jobs don`t exist. He`s vacuuming
My date just saved me tons of money by simply saying, "no, I don`t want to be your valentine and stop texting me!"
Any woman can make you a Millionaire.. You only have to be a Billionaire first.
Since It`s summer here`s a little advice, best way to beat the heat is to wear a San Antonio Spurs jersey
If you`re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Cars should come with two horns: one that’s like “Hey guys!” & another that’s like “I will end you!”
Before coffee: Hates everybody. After coffee: Feels good about hating everybody.
Just once I want my boss to assume I`m tired in the morning because I fight crime all night, not because of all the booze I drank.
Yesterday my Supervisor asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don`t think you`re supposed call people that any more."
Back in my day it was called daydreaming…not ADHD.
i just opened a fortune cookie and it started with the word unfortuneatly
Remember, life isn`t about accumulating stuff. It`s about making people insanely jealous of your stuff.