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Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old`s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
I`m like a kid in a candy store. I can`t afford anything.
Am I the only one who calculates how much sleep I can get before I go to bed?
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you`re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they`ve probably had diarrhea at some point
When I buy a horse, I`ll call it `MY FACE`..imagine all the ladies screaming `come on my face`
I have every episode of Hoarders saved on DVD.
I spend 90% of my time at the gym choosing the right song for my workout.
Next time one of your friends leave their Facebook open, randomly pick one of their friends and like all 973 of their photos.
If noone comes from the future to stop you, how bad of a decision could it really be?
The ultimate home security system is having crappy stuff.
Whoever snuck the s in “fast food” is a clever person.
"I want to marry a smart, rich, and beautiful woman. But I don`t feel like getting married 3 times." - Hesam Ebrahim
I don`t appreciate my son`s teacher circling all the wine stains on his homework.
Being alive is so expensive.
I went to the store to buy some comdoms and the cashier asked me If I needed a bag ? "I replied No she`s not that ugly"