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*Removes smoke detector battery *Cooks in silence
Does this status update make me look fat?
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he`s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
I quit my job at the helium factory today. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.
I could be a morning person if morning happened after 11.
God made men. But sandwiches weren`t going to make themselves. So God made women.
“Should I add more liquor?” is the most ridiculous question I’ve ever been asked.
After 3 "it`s complicated" statuses, Facebook should just default to "Unstable"
The hardest question of the weekend.. can or bottle?
If at first you don`t succeed then maybe you just suck.
The older I get the more use I have for the phrase "bite me."
How to Train Your Dragon offers no practical dragon training information. NONE. Zero stars.
I`m going to stand outside. So if anyone asks, I am outstanding.
You know what they say about men with big feet ;)..........We always have trouble finding shoes that fit.
I threw a shotgun shell at my daughter`s date. ..then I told him it`s much faster after 11pm