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If your Facebook post requires me to hit “continue…” get a diary.
Life would be a lot easier if employers accepted excuses like “I’m sorry I can’t come into work today, I’m sleepy”
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase "that sucks" was coined?
Unsettling sounds #23 - Ice-cream van after dark
I’m always frank with my sexual partners. Don’t want them knowing my real name.
The Brain ? Forgets what I want to remember, Remembers what I want to forget.
The old saying "I wouldn`t wish this on my worst enemy"... Clearly you have forgotten why they are your worst enemy.
I hate when people see me at the store and are like "Hey, what are you doing?" I`m like "Oh you know, hunting elephants."
I`d do anything to lose 20lbs. Well, except for eating healthy or working out.
Some days, the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands.
*during sex,I suddenly stop moving* Her: What are you doing? Me: SHHHHH It`s ok...I saw this on Pornhub, It`s called Buffering!
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
My favorite sex position is, "don`t tell anyone we did this".
Shaving your head is the "You can`t fire me because i quit" approach to male pattern baldness.