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Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right? Eve: Uh yeah, totally
I’m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don’t want to hang out with you now… but I’m still very proud…
Whenever there is an awkward silence try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
Just told my dog "Don`t walk in your own poop" and it strikes me as good advice to pass on to the rest of you as well. Please: don`t.
The woman that just drove past me was either doing a huge yawn or her brakes have failed....
My dad says that if I don`t stop typing so loudly, he`s gonna slam my face into the fidbdiUHy6hivIifHfGK
I live in constant fear that someone will kidnap my mother in law who lives all alone at 48 W Main St, bldg C, Apt 32 on the 3rd floor.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That`s where I come in.
My cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it`s giving me serious ideas, folks
people say nobody`s perfect..i made nobody!..
Apparently when your girlfriend says "f*ck that bitch", you`re not supposed to take her seriously.
When you are a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You`ve gotten so big since I last saw you!" As an adult, not so much.
When non-smokers come to My house....I ask them to stand outside while I have a smoke
Mail from Grandma: FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:No subject
Do you want to hear a joke about constipation and dementia? ...Well, tough sh!t, I forgot it.