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Hi, it’s me. I can’t get to the phone right now, even though it’s right here in my hand.
I`ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn`t just put the dots in the shape of the actual letters.
Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your house. Those bastads live forever.
Girls are too sensitive. She said she was having twins and I said, "At least you`ll finally have 2 kids by the same father."
The good thing about being 6' 6? is that if I develop a bald patch, no one will see it..Unless you’re using Google Earth.
Remember to make some bad decisions today. 20 years from now that’s all you’ll have to make your kids think you’re cool.
The realization that Netflix knows me better than my closest friends....
That awkward moment when kids see a toy they want on TV but the can`t get it because their parents must be 18 or older.
I was trying to have a mature arguement but "look, you ignorant f*cktard" just popped out
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V "Tuesday"
Some people wonder why I never like or comment on their posts. It’s because I unfollowed you a long time ago.
Birth control pills should really be made for men. It makes more sense to unload a gun than to shoot a bulletproof vest.
Honey, tact is for people who aren`t witty enough to be sarcastic.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
I`ve got worms !!!! ......... worms in me garden