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So apparently the numbers on the toaster are minutes? I`ve thought for years it was degree of toasty-ness.
I’m gonna make this girl mine….. Right click, Save As….
I think it`s safe to assume that people buying stock in twitter have never actually been on twitter.
I wanna steal a Krispy Kreme truck and go on a high speed chase just because it`d be funny to watch a bunch of cops chase a donut truck
Fact: Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
I love arguing with you so much, I`ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Cleavage is like the sun. You can look, but don’t stare.. Unless you’re wearing sunglasses.
One of the best uses I`ve ever found for invisible ink is when I signed my marriage license with it.
“I wish there was a more convenient way to stalk others”- The phrase that started Facebook.
Jodi Arias dating O J Simpson now that would be a hell of a relationship
In my will, I´m giving $50 to anyone who wears a Scream costume to my funeral and doesn´t say a word.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain`t good.
Let’s have a moment of silence for all these guys that tried to walk across power lines but fell because someone tied their shoes together.
I once met a guy who was addicted to huffing brake fluid. He said he could stop any time.
Admit it: you have all tried to rap in the shower..