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I don’t have bumper stickers because I don’t believe in anything strongly enough to potentially get my car keyed.
Girls are too sensitive. She said she was having twins and I said, "At least you`ll finally have 2 kids by the same father."
When I go running, I usually meet new people..... like paramedics.
The problem is I have just enough money to get into trouble but not enough to make bail.
It`s scientifically proven the more you shut up then the less likely I am to punch you in the face.
I swear my bed just whispered "Please Don`t go."
Sometimes not being in control is the most awesome feeling in the world.
Capitalization can really change a sentence. Example: I love to eat candy ... I love to eat capitalization.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man
After four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my cast
When I see a tire swing swaying gently in the breeze, I like to believe its daydreaming about life on the open road.
That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is "act natural, you`re innocent".
I am a brilliant man, I just sometimes can`t remember where I parked my car.
My exercise routine needs to include a little more than opening difficult pistachios.
most teens are switching to twitter instead of facebook. noone wants to get on facebook and catch dad pocking mom... if you kno what I mean;)