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This status was brought to you by me being bored on the toilet.
Stop asking why I’m still single. I don’t ask how you’re still married.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Just about the time I started to give a crap, my attitude became constipated......
Alcohol goes in ... Happiness comes out.
Everyone always talks about the early bird. How about the early worm? How´d that work out for him?
I answered the door in my underwear. That WAS the tip, pizza guy!
Upside to hurricanes... you might get a free boat delivered to your front yard.
When I win the lottery, the first thing I`m going to buy is a pot to piss in. I`ve always wanted one of those.
If money cant buy happiness,explain beer!
I`m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I`m your man.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
Why did they send me to this white room? Do they think I`m crazy? Do they think I`m ...HOLY CRAP THE WALLS ARE FLUFFY!!!
Girl scout cookies suck! I ate like 20 boxes of thin mints and I`m not any thinner.
A Shout Out to all the beautiful women who don`t need to dress half naked to get a man`s attention. Stay classy! The rest of you, come with me.