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I can`t even tell what this thing in my fridge use to be.
No one wants to hear about your diet. Just eat your salad and be sad.
Do u ever have the urge to tell someone to shut up even when they arent talking?
It`s like my bank account doesn`t understand me at all.
To stupidity ... And beyond!!
Iām beginning to think that I buy bananas just to watch them die a slow death in my kitchen.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say "Pretty good, so far."
It really freaks me out that I have a skeleton living inside me......
If there is enough room to spell `bootylicious` on the back of your shorts...it probably isn`t
Give me a fish & I`ll cook you dinner. Teach me to fish & I`ll just be sitting there in the boat with you getting drunk.
My life has a surprising lack of dance battles.
Lord please give me the strength not to go all Dexter on this mother f%#*er ... Amen
When suffering from insomnia I either count sheep or ask my girlfriend how her day was.
My most heavily used kitchen appliance is a fire extinguisher.
Some questions just answer themselves. Like, sit-ups or pizza?