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The high cost of livin ain`t nothin like the cost of livin high
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn`t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat...
Do you ever dislike someone so much that you hate when people are nice to them?
If u think I talk to much, just let me know. We can talk about it!
I’m not sure why, but to me Cheerios sound like the happiest of all circular shaped cereals.
I`m starting to think that Dr. Dre isn`t a real doctor after all...
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
I like superheroes but I`d rather hang out with the villains.
I don`t care how old I am, if I go out to eat and there are crayons and paper placemats with puzzles... game on!
Right now a FedEx driver is dropkicking your Christmas gift onto someone’s front porch.
Full disclosure: All my statuses with less than 3 likes were made by my intern.
99% of people are stupid. Luckily, I’m part of the other 2%
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Most friends with benefits have such high deductibles that you`ll always be paying way too much out of pocket.