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I just had a conversation with my-self...but it just turned into an argument. I think it`s that time of the month...
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public,...Why don`t you ever smile in my pictures?
Next time you are sad remember you can make a cheeseburger with donuts as the bun. Still sad? Add Sprinkles
What is it about a car that makes people think we can’t see them pick their nose?
Ya know those scenes where the guy shoves everything off the table and throws a woman on it yeah I`ve only done that with pizza
Just about the time I started to give a crap, my attitude became constipated......
I’m that kind of person who between two choices always pick the wrong one.
I ran into my ex the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
There are other things in life besides sex and alcohol. Those other things all suck, but they do exist, I assume.
I can`t help but feel insulted when that voice on the speaker calls me a Walmart shopper.
My predictive text dictionary doesn’t have “tsunami”, so if you ever get a text from me that says “trumang” start running.
I still remember when everyone wanted their phone to be smaller. Now that we can watch porn on them, everyone wants them bigger.
"Never go to bed angry" is the worst advice ever. I haven`t slept in a week!
Q: What is the best thing God ever created? A: The vagina. Q: What was the worst thing God ever did? A: Put women in charge of them.
Apparently, driving past police cars while drinking water from an old vodka bottle isn`t `funny` and is technically `wasting` police time