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I just told my brother he was adopted, his response was, "At least they picked me"
Don`t hate me because I think I`m beautiful.
What`s the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller" ?
I dont want to sound like a badass or anything but I play Wii without the wrist strap on....
Rawwrrr means I love you in dinosaur. Everyone knows that, silly
It`s like my golf instructor thinks I`m mature enough to handle him talking about balls, and how to properly grip the club.
30+ and single? There`s an app for that. Wait. My mistake. A cat for that.
okay it was me..... I did it ..... I let the dogs out
You mellennials and your obsession with public healthcare, back in my day we just died!
The best two kinds of beer in this world are....Cold & Free..
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
I have no idea how I used to look for things in the dark before I had a cellphone.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn`t really work otherwise.
If you ring my door bell you better be the pizza guy or a sexy naked lady ... with a pizza.
I’m pretty sure the whole “ladies first” thing was created by a guy just to check out girls butt’s.