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ME: “We have a problem, the liquor store is closed.” HER: “That`s ok, I don’t drink.” ME: “Ok we have two problems.”
I`m in the awkward time period between not wanting to have pants on, and having to wait for the pizza guy right now...
Tomorrow the world shall be ours! Until then, good night my evil minions!!
Never judge a book by it`s movie.
I have done some truly amazing things to get the last bit of toothpaste out of the tube.
Republicans are red, Democrats are blue. The government is shut down cause neither one gives a damn about you.
Whoever left me in charge of my own destiny has a lot of explaining to do.
Of course bears sh!t in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Finally got my sh!t together... Now if I can just remember where I put it
Sorry I`m late, I didnt want to come
Porn is the only type of entertainment where "not watching the whole thing" means it was good.
Have you ever wondered if Dora is smuggling drugs in her backpack?
Offering a hobo $5 from across the street is my version of Frogger.
I always win at chess ... by hitting my opponent with a brick.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I`m proud of him, I doubt he`ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.