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Just tried to pay for my McDonalds with a hug, it didn`t work. Don`t believe the rumors.
Halloween always exposes my weakness for Milk Duds, I am powerless. Tomorrow I will attend MDA, Milk Duds Anonymous
The joy of finding out that your boss is going on a holiday is way greater than you yourself going on one
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say "Hey look. That one is shaped like an idiot
Sometimes when I wave my hands in the air, I actually do care.
The question isn’t who is going to let you; it’s who is going to stop you.
"Turtle Power" is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Studies confirm that smoking withdrawal (for me) can be fatal (for you).
Found out today you`re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at the waffle house... just trying to help.
I`m doing the KFC Bucket Challenge!
If you laid out all of the people in the world who were ever mean to me, I could then drive my car over them.
Interviewer: "What did you like best about your last job?" Me: "Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake."
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
Every time I almost think humanity will be okay, I see someone struggle with the self-checkout for 20 minutes.
There`s a pretty good chance I`ll end up being one of those senior citizens who randomly bites people...