Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I`m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Wife is out of town until tomorrow night. Anyone wanna come sit on the other end of the sofa and ignore me?
Every semicolon I have ever used has been a complete guess
For once I`d like to see "It`s been a crappy year, mainly cause your were part of it"
The speed in which a woman says “nothing” when asked “what’s wrong” is inversely proportional to the severity of the sh!tstorm that’s coming.
Chili for breakfast. Cause I hate my Co-workers.
They should paint the bottom of swimming pools with satellite photos so it feels like you’re flying.
I stopped going to AA because all of their stories were about how they hit rock bottom by waking up next to me.
Lust is not real love and Tombstone is not real pizza, but both are fine when you`re drunk.
I always reply to my wife’s texts with :0))) I’m not being friendly, I’m discretely letting the fat bitch know how many chins she has.
I finally quit eating pizza for good, now I only eat pizza for evil.
Okay I`m going to workout. Should I post about it now or after I`m done?
Ladies...when I say bless you after a sneeze, just say Thank you, instead of wondering where in the bushes that just came from.
Apparently, playing dead only works on bears not ex boyfriends.
Facebook should make it to where it says, `Went from being in a relationship` to `Problem solved.`