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I love my toilet. We`ve been through alot of sh!t together.
Never trust anyone who says “Im not supposed to tell anyone but”
If you don’t feel just a little bit of shame after the weekend… you’re not doing it right.
If "The Breakfast Club" were made today, it would be a silent film about 5 kids staring at their phones.
when humans are in love they get butterflys...dose that mean when butterflys are in love they get humans!! :)
This looks like a job for Superman! -unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
If you`ve ever wondered which of your friends are really amazing, you`re in luck today. :)
I am now convinced that the homeless people have all of the shopping carts that do not have the wobbly wheels.
My girlfriend left me because I`m a legend ... Or to quote her, `Arrogant`.
Like a glow stick, sometimes we have to break before we shine.
Two things you can always be certain about when it comes to women: 1) They`re always cold. 2) It’s somehow your fault.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at a floor and think, "I`d so tap that."
You don`t have to drink to have fun... Just have fun drinking!
I don`t even understand Fantasy Football. There are no Dragons, Wizards, or hot ass Elven chicks. I call bullsh!t.
According to my nipples, there;s a ninety-nine percent chance it`s cold as f*ck outside.